Parking Lot Oddities

The 'rents and I had a very nice shopping trip at Meijers this afternoon.  In case you didn't know, it's our favorite mega open-twenty-four-hour store.  We endured a cold rain to get our supplies for the coming week (and to stock up on the 24 pack of bottled water on sale for $2.99 today only), and enjoyed family bonding.  I also stocked up on something new that Meijers just started carrying: Jelly Belly jelly beans.  They had a huge contraption that had 30 dispensers of the jelly beans.  I thought I had died and was standing at the gates of heaven.  I can't wait to try the A&W cream soda jelly beans. 

We were on our way back out to the Odyessy with our bags, when something odd caught our attention.  We had parked right next to the shopping cart corral, and there in the space between the van and the corral for the carts was a lone shopping cart.  Dad didn't say it out loud, but he had a major "WTF?" look on his face.  Like the person that put the cart there could not have walked five extra feet to put the cart inside the corral where it wouldn't roll into the side of someone's car.  Dad said "It's no wonder our part of the city can't have anything nice - people here are so sorry they can't even push a shopping cart five more feet to put it into the shopping cart corral." I couldn't have said it better.

I'm Going To Get This Seal For The Compound

Rogue Seal Bullies Surfer, Pit Bull

 

JENNER, Calif. (April 12) - Nibbles the elephant seal is defying his tame nickname by killing smaller seals, menacing a kayaker and chomping on a surfer and a dog on the northern California coast.

An elephant seal nicknamed "Nibbles" swims near the mouth of a river Wednesday in California. The adolescent seal has been attacking other seals and surfers.

The 2,000-pound lone male is seen frequently at the Russian River outlet to the Pacific, and local marine recreational outlets are warning the public about the seal's aggression.

On Easter Sunday, the seal grabbed an 80-pound pit bull and only let her go after he was attacked by the dog's owner.

"I was throwing a stick in the water for the dog," Angel Garcia said. The dog "started to shake when this torpedo thing launched itself out of the water and grabbed her."

 

On Tuesday, Nibbles growled at a kayaker, scaring him out of the water, said Suki Waters of Water Treks, a kayaking tour company.  Surf shop worker Craig Henderson said the seal and local surfers share the same turf. "It is scary when he jumps in the water with you. He is huge, like a VW bug or something," he said.

Brit Horn, a California State Parks lifeguard, said the seal has been seen killing smaller harbor seals. They've now moved to other areas along the Sonoma County coast.

The elephant seal is an adolescent who likely hangs out alone at the river mouth because he is too small to compete for females at elephant seal colonies, Horn said. Adults can grow to 14 feet long and 4,500 pounds.

I'll be the first to say I'd like to try and catch this seal and bring it back to The Compound.  For the past six months, we've been plagued by two Pit Bull dogs that live in the house across the street.  It's got the neighborhood in a frenzy, and rightly so.  When any of us go to the mailbox or go get the newspaper, or just go outside, we either carry a loaded gun or a Louisville Slugger.  This morning, the Old Man and I went on a safari just to get the newspaper -- I had a loaded semi-automatic pistol with me and had Dad in the passenger seat of the Blazer, and I pulled within three inches of the newspaper boxes while he leaned out of the window and grabbed Miss Rosemary's and our newspapers - all the while one of the Pit Bulls from across the street was on the loose. 

 

The dogs are chained outside and get loose during the day when their owner is at work, and when one of them is spotted roaming around, the phone chain starts with neighbors alerting each other.  And in the evenings, when people want to get out and work in their yards, at least one person in each family stands guard with a loaded gun or baseball bat in case one of the dogs charge at them.  Believe me when I tell you I'm not exagerating on this.  I'm a witness to this firsthand.

 

We've called the animal control people but they've been unable to catch the dogs.  We've warned their owner time and time again but to no avail.  One neighbor called the police when one of the dogs had him up against a fence in his own yard; the police simply told him to shoot the dog if it ever threatened him.  Now, you'd think that maybe the cops would have called the animal control people right then and there?  But I digress.  It's just a sad day when we have to arm ourselves just to go out in our backyards.  But I'll do whatever I have to do to keep my sweet mother safe when she goes out every morning to get the newspaper, even if that means walking alongside of her while carrying a loaded gun. 

You Get What You Deserve

Other than the news about Larry Birkhead being the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, the big news this week has been about radio talk show guy Don Imus running his mouth.  Last week, he popped off and called the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy headed ho's" and has gotten into major trouble for it.  MSNBC has dropped him, and CBS has given him the boot, too.  But to me, the part that offends me most is not that he called that womens basketball team a bunch of nappy headed ho's; what bothers me most is his hair.  I haven't seen hair like that since the 80s big hair rock bands on MTV.  And he makes it even worse when he wears that ridiculous cowboy hat.  In case he hasn't looked in a mirror in awhile, he's not a twenty-something from the 1980s; he's an old guy in 2007 that needs to look his age.  So note to Don Imus:  I'd be very careful about saying someone is a nappy headed ho if I had big unruly hair like you do.  And one more thing - what's with the turned-up collars on your coats?  In case nobody has told you this is 2007 - it isn't 1984.  You need to get with the times. 

Wednesday Funnies

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

 

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no fulltime employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

 

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye. "The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. "The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.  Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

 

"The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands."Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

 

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Mullet Watch

The Divas have just returned from what we call our Spring Fling Lobster Fest across the river at Caesar's Glory Of Rome, and while our bellies are still full from ribeyes and lobsters, we have many (well, three) mullet sightings to report. 

The first sighting was just minutes after we stepped foot onto the casino boat.  The mullet bearer was older, probably in his mid-sixties, and had a very long and scraggly gray mullet.  It wasn't your typical gray closely coiffured mullet; but it was a mullet nonetheless.  And the mullet bearer was wearing denim overalls. 

The second and third sightings were another first for TWIT - we believe this was our first mother and daughter mullet sighting.  The dynamic duo was spotted in the buffet line. The mother's mullet looked as if it had just been freshly trimmed.  It, too, was gray, and was very spikey on the top.  The daughter's mullet was black, and not as well defined as her mother's mullet, but it was still a mullet nonetheless. 

Mullet count: 17

 

More Drama At The VFW

The Ladies Auxiliary had an Easter egg hunt and party for the kids this Saturday, and in keeping with the VFW tradition, there was drama.  In retrospect, I don't know why we were surprised that there was drama - everything else we've participated in at our VFW and at other posts has been drama-filled; why should an Easter egg hunt be any different?  But this time, the blame for the drama goes to the parents of the kids at the party - for once, the Auxiliary and Post members involved are blameless. 

The first moment of drama came just minutes after the party officially started.  The bags of candy for the kids were already made up and were tied with a ribbon and looked very festive.  But someone had brought a grocery bag full of candy the morning of the party, and we thought it was too much trouble to open up 60 bags of candy to put a few more pieces in, so I had the bright idea of taking the extra candy and putting it in some bowls and setting the bowls on the tables.  We sat two bowls on about 6 or 8 tables, and thinking most people would sit at those tables so they could access the candy.  Wrong.  Some of the WT parents there sat at other tables, and started griping because there wasn't any candy on their table.  Had they asked me personally about this, I would have told them to move their sorry asses to a table that had the candy, but luckily noone asked for my solution in this matter. 

The second moment of drama came once again just minutes after the party started.  I was in charge of plating up the hot dogs, chips and cupcakes and handing them out.  The lady in charge of the party asked politely for the adults to let the kids get their hot dogs first, to make sure we didn't run out.  Well, the WT parents weren't having any part of this.  They went through the lines with their kids and asked for a plate for theirselves.  After biting my tongue about the candy-on-the-table incident, I was not in the mood for their WT shenanigans, so when the first adult asked for a hot dog I told her she would have to wait until all of the kids were served.  She walked off in a huff and grabbed a bowl of the candy from another table and ate that until she got her hot dog.

The last but certainly not least moment of drama came during the egg hunt portion of the party.  The eggs were hidden out in the picnic area behind the post parking lot, and specific instructions were given to the parents and their children: kids seven and under would go first, and then the older ones would go.  They were also told that the younger ones would hunt the eggs on the left side of the picnic area, and the older ones were to hunt the eggs on the right side.  Well, they weren't having any part of that, either.  They let the little kids run all over the picnic area, and they snagged about 90% of the eggs.  When the older kids had their turn to hunt eggs, there was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth because they didn't have hardly any eggs to hunt.  We were afraid the inmates would start a riot.  Mom and a couple of the other Auxiliary members sprang into action and collected all of the plastic eggs the younger kids had gathered, and started filling them with some of the leftover candy.  Then one of the Auxiliary members came unglued herself - she said that we couldn't just have candy-filled eggs for the older kids to hunt; we would have to put quarters in them just like they had in the eggs that the younger kids hunted.  So the Auxliary Treasurer ran and wrote out a check to the canteen and bought some rolls of quarters from them to put in the eggs.  Then some of the Post members braved the freezing temperatures and hid the eggs yet again.  Let me tell you those older kids made out.  There were fewer of them, and they made out like bandits.  One boy came up to me and proudly said he had $4.25 in quarters.  Maybe I should have hunted for the eggs, too. 

Link Of The Week

It's no secret that I love a good deal - and I scour Amazon.com daily looking for a good deal on a book or CD.  Not a month goes by that I don't buy a book from Amazon for me or the 'rents.  We love Amazon.com - it's our favorite book site.  I look on a regular basis for books by Larry McMurtry for Dad.  In addition to books and CDs, I've also ordered a purse, an iPod charger, and various other items from Amazon.com.  Just the otheer day, a friend sent me a link to a very cool site that listed "secret" Amazon deals.  I checked into them, and they're legit.  Go to http://www.secretamazondeals.blogspot.com/   and see the awesome deals on Amazon.com. I know I'm going to buy a few of the Hanes t-shirts on sale right now.