I Want This Job, Gov. Fletcher

I don't normally look at the help wanted ads in the newspaper, but yesterday as I was reading the Curious Journal, I read about a job opening and I'm going to apply for it.  I hope ZCO will not be offended because I'm looking elsewhere for another job, but I really think I could handle this gig. 

The position is for the head of the Kentucky Office of Homeland Security.  I read that the guy that held this position made over $121,000 last year.  I would gladly take a pay cut and do the job for half of that.  Even though I have no experience in the wonderful world of politics, I still think I'm very qualified for this position. I have an Associate's Degree, a Bachelor's Degree and a Master's Degree, all obtained through attending credited colleges and not purchased online.   Just in case Gov. Fletcher reads TWIT, here's some of my qualifications:

I have no skeletons in my closet.  Sure, I've done a few crazy things in my 42 years, but there's no major scandal that could be dug up by a political opponent or the media.  There are no scandalous photos of me in compromising situations floating around, just waiting to be posted on the internet.  The closest thing to a scandalous picture taken of me is one that my faithful readers have already seen posted in TWIT - the picture of me and female celebrity impersonator Frank Marino. 

I have no criminal record.  Other than one parking ticket and one speeding ticket, my record is clean.  No aggrivated assault charges, no drug possession charges, nothing.  No arrests, and not even any court appearances as a witness.  The only time I've been in a courtroom was when I had jury duty.  I'm the model upstanding citizen. 

I am prepared for an emergency.  This winter, after the snow and ice storm of Christmas Eve eve, I bought a snow blower.  And I hope to be purchasing a portable generator within the next few weeks, too.  I have all new batteries in my flashlights, radios, and the portable tv in the event of a power outage, and I have kerosene for our lamps.  I also have two cases of bottled water in the basement, so the donkeys, the 'rents and I will have plenty of drinking water in the case of an emergency.

I have a gun and I know how to use it.  I'm sure that as head of the Kentucky Office of Homeland Security, I would have to be on guard for terrorist attacks.  Not a problem.  My first appointment as head of this organization would be to hire the Andy Frain concert ushers as patrols for our state borders.  They don't let anyone that's not authorized get within 100 feet of the stage at a concert, so I know they wouldn't let any illegal aliens come in our state.