Friends Shouldn't Let Friends Wear Outfits Like This To Play Tennis

Maybe it's just me, but doesn't Serena Williams look like she should be in the "Lady Marmalade" video with Christina Aguilara, Pink, and Lil Kim, instead of playing in the U.S. Open? 

Drunk Friends Don't Let Drunk Friends Drive Them Home

Some of us have been wasted, and the next day can't remember a few small details about the night before, but I'm sure that we all would not be so wasted that we didn't remember hitting a guy wire and decapitating the head of our friend riding shotgun. http://www.courier-journal.com/localnews/2004/08/31ky/B3-decap0831-3551.html

The poor guy was probably just hanging his head out the truck window to throw up, or get some air, when it happened.  And the driver just kept on going.  He drove 12 miles to get back to his home, with the headless body next to him in the passenger seat.  I cannot imagine being that drunk that you wouldn't have a meltdown over causing a friend in the seat next to you to have their head sliced off.  They said that the only damage to the truck was to the passenger side mirror, and that the driver was "remorseful" when they arrested him the next morning, still drunk from the night before.  The victim's family lives here in Louisville, and he had lived here, too. 

This just wreaks of lawsuits - wrongful death against the driver, negligence on the part of the utility company that placed the guy wire on the side of the road, and negligence on the part of the bar and bartender that served them.  The lawyers will have a field day with this. 

This is just another prime example about drinking and driving.  I know that this made an impression on me.  A few friends and I took the carkeys away from another friend the other night and wouldn't them drive a measly 5 minute trip home from the fairgrounds.  She was very pissy about it at the time, but the next day called each of us and thanked for caring that much about her to not let her drive home.  I know they'd do the same for me.

Link of the Week

I spent a couple of hours looking at this site the other night when I couldn't sleep.  It lists hundreds of  links for each of the subjects listed.  A lot of the subjects on there are lame and hokey, but some are pretty cool.  My favorite was the info on Bonnie and Clyde.  Check it out.  http://mysteries-megasite.com/master.html

Farewell Laura Branigan

I was shocked this morning when I heard that Laura Branigan had died.  She was young - just 47.  I dug out her "Self Control" cassette and played it during the drive to church.

Most of us forty-somethings will never forget her mega-hit "Gloria".  I don't need a show of hands, but I'm pretty sure we all danced to "Gloria" while we wore our parachute pants and our Flashdance cut-off sweatshirts.  Gen X-ers probably heard of "Gloria" thanks to flashback 80's shows on VH-1.  There wasn't a top 40 band in the U.S. in the early 80's that didn't have that song on their set lists.  Some lounge bands still probably play it today.  The song was a staple at skating rinks, and when karaoke started becoming popular, the women (and a few men) wanted to belt out "Gloria."  The song was played at wedding receptions as often as "The Duck Dance."

Some might call Laura Branigan a one-hit wonder, but she was far from it.  Her version of "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" was a big hit for her, and for Michael Bolton in the 90's.  She even had enough hits for a Greatest Hits album, too. "Gloria" was almost anthem-like for us post-baby-boomers who graduated in the early 80's.  Disco was dead, but Laura Branigan gave something to dance to.

 

Something's Bothering Me

I don’t know what’s bothering me more today – the sudden head cold that I just came down with or the news story about Winnipeg police finding the body of a man who had been dead in his bed for two years.  It’s sad that he had relatives but didn’t speak to them, and he had a few friends, but none of them cared enough to check on him.  And if it hadn’t been for the bank notifying the police for “financial irregularities” in this man’s account, who knows how long his remains would have remained in his bed. The man’s bills were paid by automatic withdrawal, and his pension checks were automatically deposited, so for two years, everything was paid on time so no questions were raised until the bank got suspicious over something and probably thought they were going get screwed so they notified police. 

 

One of his relatives was in town a year ago and called him, and when she didn’t get an answer she just assumed he was out of the house.  The saddest part of this is his neighbors in his condo – they hadn’t seen this man in two years, for Pete’s sake.  Are they so stupid or heartless that they didn’t ask the condo manager about him.  The worst are the people that lived across the hall from him.  The morons said “We thought he was on holiday.”  That is so senseless I don’t even think I can comment.  There are others to blame for this, too – the mail carriers.  They were supposed to notify their supervisor or their post office branch if they notice people’s mail just collecting in their mailboxes.  We hear news stories about how a mailman saved an elderly person’s life because they had fallen in the house and couldn’t get their mail for 2 days and the mailman called the police and they all lived happily ever after.  This poor man’s mail carriers emptied his mailbox a few times, and then would just throw the mail away.  The authorities said there would be an investigation as to whether or not the post office followed procedure.  Riiiiiight.

 

Yes, I realize that this man was probably a loner, but still how sad that he died like that, with nobody caring enough about him to check on him.  As I sit here and type this, I’m saying a short prayer of thanks that I have friends who I know would not let that happen to me.

Winners from the 2004 Kentucky State Fair

The award for the best hair-do of the 2004 Kentucky State Fair goes to a young Caucasion man in his early 20's with the biggest afro I've ever seen.  His afro was bigger than anything the Jackson Five could have come up with.  And it was perfectly round, too.  I'm guessing that his barber/hair stylist also moonlights as a landscaper - it reminded me of the shrubs that people have trimmed into a ball.  I was very impressed.  While we're talking about fair hair, I did see a few mullets last night. 

The prize for the best t-shirt slogan goes to a teenage girl wearing a t-shirt that simply said "A little drama never hurt anybody."  I think my company should order them for all of us.  I know I would wear one.

The trophy for the silliest souvenir sold at the fair is shared this year.  It was a tie between white feather boas with red and blue twinkle lights, and large fake fur animal print cowboy hats. 

File under: WTF

I heard a very disturbing commercial on the radio yesterday afternoon.  One of the mega office supply stores was advertising their back to school sale, and they were telling what great prices they have on school supplies - folders, paper, pens, computers, etc.  They also said they were having a sale on "homework stations."  I could not breathe when I heard that.  It's sad that the office furniture companies are milking parents out of $$$; they make the parents think that having a homework station for their children will make them have better grades.  Can't today's school kids do their homework at the kitchen table like we did? Granted, my Grandma would make sure I sat at the end of the table with my back to the tv, but the kitchen table was always Command Central at my home; it was where I learned to write, do fractions, write term papers, and eventually work on my Master's thesis. 

Ask Me To Smile

I'm happy to report that after two long years, I'm finally finished at the U of L Dental School.  No, not as a student, but as a patient.  A very patient patient. 

I'm not proud of this, but I will admit that I was scared to death of going to the dentist.  So I just didn't.  Even after I chipped a tooth, I still wouldn't go.  Then two summers ago, a tooth became so sensitive to heat and cold, that I had to eat and drink everything at room temperature.  I knew then that I had to buck up and take it like a woman.  Now, after 8 filling restorations, one tooth extraction, and major wisdom tooth removal, it's over.  And I lived through it.  Now the visible part of my treatment plan remains - teeth whitening.  After all I've been through during the past two years, I'm finally going to get dental work that people will be able to see. 

This One's For The Girls

While finishing lunch today at a trendy old Louisville corner cafe, Stacy and I were listening to a conversation three attractive 50-something ladies at the table next to us.  From what we overheard, they were planning a Sweet Potato Queen party.  For those not familiar with this, the Sweet Potato Queens are women's clubs, similar to the current trendy [silly] Red Hat clubs.  The Sweet Potato Queens (referred to as SPQ's for the duration of this entry) originated in Jackson, Mississippi in the mid 80's.  They were a group of friends who put on big red wigs, green sequined short dresses and majorette boots and performed in the town's annual St. Patrick's Day parade.  Every SPQ was called Tammy, too.  The head Queen, Jill Conner Brown, has written 4 books so far about the SPQ's.  Very funny reading - I don't think the men would like them, but I recommend them as required reading for women.  After the first book was published, the SPQ hoopla spread and soon groups of women all over the country were forming their own SPQ Wannabe groups.  From the conversation we heard today, the group of women at the cafe were SPQ Wannabe Wannabe's.  They even referred to their group members as Tammy.  The woman who arrived second had taken on the role of the head SPQ.  She got out her planner book and notebook, and was barking orders to the other two and telling them what to bring to the party, and even how much of it to bring.  She told the woman who came in last to bring a dessert and two bottles of wine.  The woman asked about wine glasses and the head SPQ said "no glass" so we deducted the party might be held at one of the SPQ's pools.  

The bartender at this cafe was a Queen himself, but not of the Sweet Potato variety.  He knew the head SPQ, and came over and said hello to her and was just beside himself, making a fuss over her matching pants, jewelry, and sweater set. She quickly informed him that the pants did not "come" with the sweater set.  The Queen was still giddy over how her big jeweled necklace was the exact shade of blue as her matching Garanimals sweater set.  

I am proudly a member of a similar group, the Divas.  Our group is very elite - only two members, Stacy and me.  It's not that we're stuck up and snooty and don't invite anyone else; it's just that other women just wouldn't get it.   We think it's cool to start a girl's society, but why ride on someone's coattails? The Divas are much more fun because WE make the rules - we don't have to go by someone else's.    I will give the women today props - they each had notebooks out and had taken great pains in planning this upcoming SPQ event.  The Divas plan; just not extensively as these women.  Our menus are usually scribbled on a Post-It note or on a scrap of paper from our purses.  The Divas would not have just had dessert and wine, either.  I should give them benefit of a doubt, because we both had to leave the cafe and couldn't stick around to eavesdrop more and see what was on the rest of the menu.  We would have had champagne, and it would never, I repeat NEVER, be sipped from a plastic glass.  We would probably drink it out of the bottle before we would use a plastic cup.  (Our glasses of preference are Bacaret crystal flutes, in case you're interested.)  The Divas would have had dessert, but it would have been followed by cheese, shrimp, guacamole, and Cheese-It's, to name a few of our party staples.

Top Ten Interesting Things from 2004 Kentucky State Fair

1.   Saddam head from a statue that soldiers tore down in Iraq 

2.   Baby chicks hatching 

3.   178 pound watermelon

4.   Deep fried Oreos

5.   Freddy Farm Bureau

6.   Racing Pigs

7.   People drinking beer while wearing MADD buttons

8.   Midway ride and game workers

9.   Midway ride and game patrons

10. Replica of Taj Mahal made out of beeswax

Link of the Week

If you're hesitant about shopping online and have never bought anything from the internet before, I urge you to get your credit card out and order some of these cards.  You won't be sorry.  I'm going to get a case or two.  I wish I had some for my trip to the fair tomorrow - I'd give them to all of the people pushing baby strollers into my legs. 

http://www.glarkware.com/securestore/c181844p16370773.2.html

Bet my money on a bobbed tail nag....

We all have things in our lives that we'd like to forget - things that can only be summed up by "What was I thinking?"  My contribution to this essay in life is my brief stint in an alternative music band. 

It was May 1995.  I was complacent with my job, and had no thoughts of going back to school.  But I wanted to do something; I just didn't know what.  One day I was reading the classifieds and saw an ad that read "desparetely seeking female guitar player for all-female alternative band."  I thought "I'm a good guitar player - how hard can this be?"  Plus the phone number in the ad was a number in my neighborhood.  That clinched it.  I called, got an audition, and I was in.  When I arrived for our first practice, I was informed that the band already had a gig - the band leader/bass player's birthday party in August. We had our work cut out for us.  So what if we weren't getting paid for this gig - I wasn't doing this for the money; I was living out a life long dream.

Let me introduce the band to you: Susie, the leader and bass player (who had only been playing bass for a month when I joined); Chip, Susie's husband and drummer (who I would later find out was manic depressive); Jan, the lead guitar player (who we would find out later had psychotic tendencies).  This was originally supposed to be an all-female band, but they couldn't find a drummer, and we practiced in Susie and Chip's basement and used their equipment, so we made a concession and asked Chip to play drums. 

It didn't take me long to find out that I just didn't fit in with this group.  I had never heard of 90% of the songs that would become our set list.  But I practiced and learned all of the songs.  They even let me pick a few songs to sing, so I decided to stick with it, because ever since I was a kid, all I wanted to was to be part of a band. 

A few practices later, I was informed that the band would be called "The Bobbed Tail Nags", in keeping with the quasi-all-female theme.  Not my first choice of band names, but then again, it wasn't my band.  Before you knew it, the end of July was here and it was time for the big birthday bash gig.  Musically, it rocked.  No major mistakes or screw ups. But for me, everything else was just horrid.  We played in the basement where we practiced, and in the cramped area, I had to stand perfectly still or else I would crash my guitar into a support beam.  I was standing there playing and thought "we can't even say we're a garage band - we're still in the friggin' basement."  After we finished the last set, I packed up my guitar, grabbed a can of YooHoo and went home. 

It was a blast playing, but it just wasn't "me".  The did me a huge favor a few weeks later by firing me. They said I wasn't "heavy metal enough" for them.  No joke.  It was the best thing that they could have done.  A week later, I started my own band, who played music that I actually knew and liked.  Finally, a life long dream had come true.

Side note: A year after I formed my band, Exit 14, I found out that all of the equipment that the Bobbed Tail Nags used in Susie and Chip's basement was stolen.  It seems that Scotty, a friend of Susie and Chip's, and an employee at the local music store, AND who was lead guitar player with my band for a few months, had "borrowed" the equipment from the store.  We were all under the impression that this was Scotty's own equipment that he graciously loaned us.  I hope he wiped my fingerprints off of the huge stack of Marshall ampst that they let me use. 

What's in your "me" box?

Last night, I watched my little friend Lillie do her kindergarten homework -the class had to make a "me" box. They had to decorate a box, and put in items that represented themselves.  Lillie's favorite color is pink, so te shoebox was covered in pink construction paper.  Among the items inside were a refrigerator magnet number 4 for her age, and a couple of family photos. Here's what you would find in my "me" box:

- guitar pick

- family picture

- X-Files mouse pad

- picture of Stacy and me taken at Tammy Fest I

- BMW hood ornament

- Hard Rock Hotel room key from 2003 Divas Las Vegas (DLV) trip

 

                                                

Turbins and Traffic Lights

Yesterday must have been Turbin Day, and nobody sent me the memo.  On my way to work yesterday, I zoomed on through the usual bottleneck, only to be stopped by a school bus.  The bus picked up one kid, then started off.  Then a young woman wearing a big white turbin came running after the bus.  She was carrying something in a plastic Kroger bag.  She finally got the driver's attention, and once again the bus stopped.  We all waited for 3 minutes while a boy (who I'm sure will one day develop into a PAT) leisurely strolled down the street and got on the bus.  No, I'm not being hard on the kid - he looked at us and could plainly see the growing string of traffic he was causing, and he took his sweet time getting to the bus. 

The second turbin was spotted on my way home,about a mile from the first turbin siting.  This was one was fairly nondescript - another young woman wearing a purple skirt and blouse and a red turbin was standing in the median of a very busy road.  The second turbin siting was also in one of the worst drug-infested areas of the county, by the way.  There's a stoplight in this drug area, and I've had police officers tell me that they would never give a ticket nor even stop a person for running this redlight at night; the police themselves don't even want to stop at that light in the daytime, much less at night.  And yes, I travel through this area, as do alot of my co-workers, twice a day. 

Pickles: Condiments or Side Dish?

I feel sorry for my co-worker John.  He brought ina new jar of bread and butter pickle slices to keep in the refrigerator to have with his lunches, and co-workers who use our frig thought they were for their own consumption.  Imagine John's surprise the other day when he reached for the jar, only to find pickle juice.  That's hardcore.  The thieves didn't even have the courtesy to throw away the empty pickle jar.

Whenever Kroger's has catsup or mustard or mayo on sale, I'll buy a jar and bring it in for all lunchroom patrons to use; others do this, too.  So our frig is usually stocked with community condiments.  However, the line is drawn when it comes to salad dressings.  If you don't want someone using your bottle of ranch dressing, then you'd damned well better put your name on it.  As with any food or drink left on the tables and countertops, anything unmarked is considered community property.  We have countless meetings and training sessions, and any leftovers from their lunches are usually brought to the lunchroom for the hungry masses to devour.  You cannot imagine the feeding frenzy that happened last week when 4 whole leftover pizzas were dropped off in the lunchroom after a training session.  People in the hallways were almost plowed over by a few members of the engineering department. 

In addition to usable condiments, there are a plethora of condiments that have been rotting in the frig for months.  I pray that some unsuspecting soul doesn't pick up an old packet of tartar sauce that has been on the shelf since last Lent.  The frig is also full of lunches that time has forgotten.  The other day, I threw out half of a Big Mac that had been in there for 2 weeks.  When I threw it in the garbage can, I noticed that the Big Mac was harder than the cardboard box it was in. 

Back To School Observations

I don't want this to sound like a sappy forwarded email titled "Do you remember these?" but after talking with a friend yesterday about our memories of going back to school, I think some of you all will be able to relate to these.  Please add your own back to school memories. 

We would get new school clothes, underwear, and shoes, but couldn't wear them until school actually started.  There were two exceptions to this, however.  If your family was going some place special or if something special was going on at church a week or two before school started, you might get to wear something new.  And you would get to wear your new school shoes IN the house to break them in.

Getting a new metal lunchbox with matching thermos was one of the highlights of the back to school season.  It would generally be no more than 2 weeks before you dropped your thermos and shattered the insides.  My first metal lunchbox (which, of course, I still have, minus the thermos) was red and black plaid.  I always thought the black metal lunchboxes that the workmen carried were very cool.

The first day of school brought a great surprise: getting a copy of the lunch menu for the month.  You would take this home and study over it, and put an X through the days you didn't like what they were having, so your Mom would be able to glance at it and know she had to make a lunch that day for you to take in your metal lunchbox.  The menu was usually taped to the inside of one of the kitchen cabinet doors.

When your Mom made your lunch, sandwiches were wrapped in aluminum foil.  As a matter of fact, anything not pre-packaged was wrapped in foil.  If you were lucky, your Mom would buy one of those long boxes of pre-packaged Fritos for your lunch.  And these were to be used ONLY for school lunches.  If you were going on a field trip and had to bring a lunch, your Mom would freeze a canned soft drink the night before (praying it wouldn't bust in the freezer) and and in the morning, she would wrap the can in foil. Whether you had the individually packaged Fritos or potato chips in a Baggie, they would end up being crushed by the canned soft drink rolling around in the metal lunchbox.  But you ate them any way.

We didn't have book bags or back packs to carry our things; we just juggled them and ended up dropping our stuff a half dozen times going home, while everyone else laughed instead of helping pick the stuff up.  You didn't mind, because 2 minutes later, someone else dropped their stuff and then it was your turn to laugh. 

The King Has Left The Building

For the past 27 years, devoted fans have been gathering at Graceland for their candlelight vigil on the anniversary of Elvis Presley's death.  I knew that these fans would make their equivalent of the pilgrimage to Mecca each August, but until I got a computer and was able to visit the world wide web, I had no idea how big this was.  What started out as a solemn candlelight vigil on August 16 has turned into an almost month long circus.  You can view live, non-stop coverage from dozens of web cams set up at Graceland and at other sites in Memphis. 

I shake my head in amazement when I think of how these thousands of fans must plan their vacations every year just so they can be at Graceland on August 16.  My Mom says I'm being too critical, and maybe she's right.  But I would love to go down to Memphis on August 16 just once so I could witness the frenzy.  It would be a people watcher's paradise for me - like a trip to the midway at the Kentucky State Fair multiplied 20 times. 

I still hav a morbid fascination with some events surrounding Elvis' death.  First of all, they say he died on the toilet, naked, and alone.  What a way to go.  How sad that thsi is the first thing that people will remember about your death.  Second, the autopsy said he died of natural causes.  The coroner even said there was no indication of drug abuse.  Riiiiiight.  And nobody thought it coincidental that the contents of Elvis' stomach and throat had been flushed away by mistake by someone at the ER of the hospital?  The pathologist's report would later be released, saying Elvis had toxic levels of codeine and methaqaualone (qualudes). 

This all leads to my point: it's all about devotion.  This man had millions of adoring fans who still spend their time and hard earned money to express their devotion, almost 30 years after his death.  While he was alive, he had dozens of loyal and devoted bodyguards and assistants would would have died for him, and who would do whatever it took to keep his image from being tarnished.  And apparently, he even had loving hospital workers who were so devoted that they got rid of any evidence that might have made the King look like a drug addict.

I like to think that I have two or three loyal friends who would go to such lengths for me.  But when I die, I doubt that it will take 100 vans to haul all of the flowers to the cemetary where I'll be buried.  And I'm pretty sure the governor won't need to call out 300 National Guardsmen to maintain order at the funeral home, either. 

Link of the Week

Hardly a week goes by at work that someone in our lunchroom doesn't mention a song they're trying to remember. This spurs conversation, and we usually end up talking about songs and artists that have nothing to do with the song they were trying to think of.  When this happens in your lunchroom at your company, you can be the trivia hero and find the song they're looking for by going to this cool site, www.song1.com.  You type in a phrase or even a word of a song you're trying to think of, and the site will bring up the title, artist, and album it was from.  How cool is that?

If it's good enough for George Foreman...

My hand still hasn't quit trembling from just writing a check to Meineke for brakes, rotors, and brake sensors for my beloved BMW.  This was the first major expense I've had for the BMW since I got it in January, and believe me when I tell you I could not breathe when they handed me the bill.  I had a figure in mind, but it was no where close to the total.  I started to ask the guy if they had a portable difibralator, like we have at work, because I knew I was going to go into cardiac arrest there in the waiting area. 

There's no need in wasting your time by calling repair shops and asking for a ballpark figure; we all know that an over-the-phone estimate of "$99 for brake pads" means nothing when compared to what the final total will be. "$99 for pads" falls in the same fairy tale category as the Tooth Fairy and Prince Charming.   It was a waste of my morning break the other day when I called a couple of brake shops.  Of course, my foreign car could not use the $99 pads.  And as my luck would have it, the rotors could not be turned so they had to also be replaced.  They felt they hadn't  extracted all of my disposable income from me, so they informed me that I also needed new brake sensors. 

I realize that nobody wants to hear me whine for the next two weeks about about paying out the ass for brakes for my BMW, so I'll do my best to keep my comments to myself, if everyone else promises to keep their comments to themselves and not to tell me "Meineke is the highest place in the city" or "my uncle's neighbor's sister's friend could have done it on the side" or "you should have taken it to ___."  I realize that brakes on a car are a necessity - it's not like I was paying out the ass for leather seat covers or a heated steering wheel or spinners for the rims.

Mike Wallace Gets Punked

Poor Mike Wallace.  After a hard day of working on his 60 Minutes show, all he wanted on his way home from work was some meatloaf, and he ended up being arrested for disorderly conduct.  I give major props to Mike - he's the start of one of the longest running tv shows in the history of tv, and he went into the restaurant to pick up his meatloaf hisself; he didn't send some flunky or assistant to get it.  I'm sure most celebs would not dare pick up their own carry-out; I know Jessica Simpson wouldn't.  I bet that as Mike was being hauled off in handcuffs, he was looking around for Ashton Kutcher thinking "Did Andy Rooney punk me?"  They only kept Mike at the police station for an hour, and then he went home, where he heated up his meatloaf in the microwave.

I would think that with all of the new terroristic threats against the NY Stock Exchange and other key financial conglomerates in and around NYC, you'd think that New York's finest would be a bit more concerned with preventing another terrorist attack than arresting an 86 year-old man because he ran into a restaurant to get his meatloaft while his driver was double parked.

Things Seen At The Floodwall Levee During My Daily Walk

*used condom

*sippy cup

*zipper torn from an article of clothing

*gray cat catching gray mouse

*one flip flop

*black broken shoelace

*dead snake

*"I Love Michelle" written on the benches at the 3/10 and 7/10 mile rest areas

*ground hog

* Goldfish crackers

 

 

Tiffany Gone Postal, 20 Years Later

What a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon: watching MTV on a big screen tv with my best friend and fellow Diva Stacy, with an orange Dreamsicle cocktail in hand, as we loll about on the overstuffed couches.  Oh - did I mention we were watching The Ashlee Simpson Show marathon?  Let me first say that alcohol was the only thing that made the two and a half episodes that we watched bearable. 

Our firsti mpression of Ashlee Simpson was how much she liked the 80's pop star Tiffany.  Then when she got on stage and opened her mouth to sing, it was more like Tiffany going postal.  I thought her sister Jessica was the whiniest celebrity I'd ever heard, but I think little sister holds that title.  Each episode consisted mostly of Ashlee whining and complaining; complaining about how rough it is being on Leno and Regis and Kelly; complaining about the soundcheck for her first concert; complaining about her first concert; complaining about everything.  It was all hard to stomach considering the fact that this kid's debut album sold a kajillion copies and that millions of devoted fans watch her show on MTV faithfully.

We both thought the show was pathetic, but yet we watched two and a half episodes.  It was like how you can't keep from looking at a wreck on the highway; it's horrible and frightening but you just have to look.  The crowning moment came when Ashlee and her enterouge were in a stretch SUV limo headed to an appearance on the NBC Today Show and Ashlee says to her mother (who lives vicariously through her daughters), "This day is so annoying."  Nuff said. 

I wish I had a big sister so I could ride to stardom on her coattail. 

File under: WTF

We're going to have look at these things for the next 3 weeks during the Olympics?  This summer Olympic games are being held where the Olympics originated centuries and centuries ago, and these was the best mascots they could come up with?

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

Let me preface by saying that AOL had some technical difficulties yesterday and my post was erased.  Here it is again, in it's entirity.

I'm still a bit shaken up after driving home from a friend's house Saturday night.  My beloved BMW was almost hit not once, but twice, by the same driver.  The wreckless kamikaze driver was a Punk Ass Teenager (who will be referred to as PAT for the duration of this post) in a little Honda.  I'm guessing the Honda was a four-cylinder, which is one-third the size of my engine, and this PAT picked ME to mess with?

The first incident took place at a stoplight at a big four-way intersection.  I was stopped at the light, waiting to head on through the intersection, and the PAT was on my left in the turn lane.  My light turned green and I started to go on through.  The PAT decides not to turn let and cuts over in front of me.  Thank God and the German auto makers for my BMW's brake system.  The Honda missed my front end by about 2 inches.  But lucky for me, in the opposite lane facing us were two LPD cruisers.  They both quickly turned on their spotlights and shone them on the PAT's Honda, as the PAT peeled out. 

Less than a mile down the road, I was stopped at a light in another big four-way intersection.  Once again, I was in the lane to go on through, and the PAT was to my left in the turn lane again.  Yes, you guessed it.  My light turned green, and I started on through the intersection while the PAT cuts over in fron tof me again.  Unbeknownst to the PAT, this was witnessed by the aforementioned LPD officers who had turned around and followed us.  The PAT turned into the subdivision across from our house, where the officers promptly stopped him.  I can only hope that drugs or alcohol were involved, so the PAT would have gotten to spend a night or two down at the jail.  If the PAT got off with only a ticket for wreckless driving, my only consolation is knowing that his fine would be automatically doubled because the second near-miss happened in a work zone. 

Keep in mind, that this whole incident took place in the span of about 90 seconds.  Thank the Lord that nobody was hurt, mainly me. 

Link of the Week

You've got to check out the mikwright website.    Their cards are the funniest ones I've seen.  You can order cards and other cool stuff like coasters and coffee mugs, and you can also send free e-cards from their site.  You can even check and see what stores in your area carry their cards.   I only lend my name to an endorsement when I believe in the product, and I'm proud to say I have a mikwright calendar hanging on the wall in my office. Many thanks to my fly girl Paula for turning me onto their site. You can get to the site at www.mikwright.com

Return For Revenge, Part 2

Shortly after last Friday's fight, Danny Williams said that he wanted a rematch with Mike Tyson.  I think this might be a more worthy opponent for Iron Mike.

Farewell Rick James

LOS ANGELES -- Funk legend Rick James, best known for the 1981 hit "Super Freak" before his career collapsed in a cloud of violent drug charges, died Friday. He was 56. James died in his sleep at his residence near Universal City, apparently of natural causes.

He was arrested, convicted, and spent a few years in prison for tying up a woman and burning her with a pipe while he was freebasing coke. I somehow doubt that with his past and his relatively young age that he died of natural causes.  But he did make the Jheri curl popular, so I'll give him props for that. 

Diva-in-training

A quote from almost 5-year old Lillie Gordan's report card, "...a strong presence in the social scene."  This should be something that we all strive for.  What a legacy we would leave if our family and friends could say this about us after we're dead and gone.  I think I'm going to add a codicil to my will with instructions to make sure that is engraved on my tombstone when the time comes.

That is the ultimate compliment a teacher can give a student.  Stacy and Tommy must be bursting with pride over their daughter.  Not meaning for this post to have a death theme, but Stacy can die a happy woman knowing she conceived, carried, delivered, and nurtured such an outstanding child.  She's taught her well.  I'm proud to be Lillie's friend, and I can only hope that I've had just a smidgen of influence on Lillie's social skills.  When her mother and I are too old and too tired to have any presence in the social scene, Lillie will be the one to carry on the Diva tradition.  She already knows that Tammy Wynette is the true First Lady of Country Music, so I guess we've done something right.  Lillie is a true diva-in-training.  Even at an early age, she's been exposed to the diva lifestyle; she's witnessed her mother and I sipping champagne from crystal glasses, and she's heard the story of the infamous c-note blackjack hand at the Barbary Coast casino in Las Vegas.  As Lillie would say, check mark. 

Due to variations in ovens, cooking times shown may vary

Note to self:  two days before you plan to eat your Michelina's Lean Gourmet lasagna, take it out of the freezer to thaw it out.

During lunch yesterday, I used 1/3 of my lunch time heating my lasagna.  Accordin to the directions, "microwave on high for 4 minutes."  After 4 minutes, it was still frozen solid.  After an addtional 2 minutes, the sauce was hot as hell but it was still frozen in the middle.  2 more minutes of microwaving barely brought the middle up to room temperature. At this point, I had less then 20 minutes left and said to hell with it and at it as is. 

When you see a microwave meal, you think of fast and easy - just what you need for lunch at work.  Au contraire.  Take a walk down down the frozen meal aisle at the store - the shelves that have the big meals (entree with two side dishes) are fully stocked while the shelves that have the smaller meals of pasta or rice antrees are almost bare.  Why, do you ask?  No, it's not because the big meals are more expensive.  It's because most of us don't want to spend all of our lunch break waiting for our alleged fast meal to heat up.  It would be a breeze if we could pop our meal in the microwave, go back to our desks and work until our meal was cooked, and then get off the clock for lunch.  Even if our bosses would let us do that, it still would not work; most of these meals call for you to "rotate tray one-quarter turn every two minutes."  You'd run yourself ragged going back and forth from your desk to the microwave.  Then, as if that's not bad enough, the instructions also say "let stand in microwave for 2 minutes."  Meanwhile, there's a line of people waiting to use the microwave while your meal just sits there resting from its ordeal.  No wonder the majority of my co-workers bring a simple bologna sandwich for lunch. 

Breaking News

News update: the missing white leopard has been found. 

http://www.courierjournal.com/localnews/2004/08/04ky/update-bleopard.html

 

Click with the Clique

I wonder if anybody remembers the show "Square Pegs"?  I wonder if anybody will admit that they watched it?  With the hoopla and hype over "Sex In The City", I was surprised that I never heard Square Pegs mentioned.  For those of you too young to have watched it, or too old to remember it, Square Pegs was a tv show that aired in 1982.  It only lasted one season.  Sarah Jessica Parker was the star of the show, and played a character named Patty, a freshman at Weemawee High School.  She had long, permed hair and glasses.  She wasn't a nerd, because when I was a freshman, I had long, permed hair and wore glasses, and I was definitely not a nerd.   The show was basically about Patty and her best friend Lauren, and how all they wanted was to be part of the popular clique.  Lauren was always cooking up some crazy scheme that she thought would gain them instant popularity.  Their friends at school were very stereotypical a la sitcoms set in high schools.  Marshall was the class clown, and was the science expert.  One time, he invented a love machine, that would make Patty fall in love with him.  Needless to say, it didn't work.  Johnny Slash was the New Age rocker.  He apparently failed a couple of grades, because he had his driver's license, and drove an old van that had shag carpeting in it.  His hair was bleached blonde, and he had a long tail, which was just starting to gain popularity in the early 80's.  Personally, I never knew anybody who had a tail like that.  If I had, I'm sure I would have been tempted to sneak up behind them and cut it off.  Jennifer was the most popular girl at Weemawee High School, and was the school's resident Valley Girl.  She was a snob, loved to make fun of Patty and Lauren, who would have given their first born male children to be in the clique with her.  Incidentally, Jennifer was played by Tracy Nelson, daughter of the late Ricky Nelson, and sister to Matthew and Gunnar Nelson, aka Nelson.  (I'm sure I'll discuss Nelson in another post.)  My favorite character on Square Pegs was Muffy, the girl who was the chairperson for every committee at Weemawee. She was also constantly raising money to support a Guatamalen child.  Muffy was played by Jamie Gertz, who is the star of the current CBS sit-com, "Still Standing."   The show also had the stereotypical good-looking teacher, Mr. Donovan.  He made the students call him Rob.  I think Rob lived with his girlfriend and her young son.  This was very cutting edge for 1982.   

The theme song for the show was appropiately titled "Square Pegs" and was performed by the group The Waitresses, who categorized themselves as New Wave.  They also had a semi-hit with the song "I Know What Boys Like." The song went something like this: "I know what boys like/I know what guys want/I know what boys like/I've got what boys like."  What lyrical genuises they were. 

Things On Or Around My Desk At Work

• box of raisins
• Col-Erase erasable colored pencils
• tube of Carmex
• quart of blackberries
• Christina Aguilara cd
• donkey stuffed animal
• miniature American flag
• current issue of People magazine (Martha Stewart on the cover)
• coupon for $1 off Red Baron pizza

Terror Alert

This was a sucky day.  With the new intel that we received about al-Qaida attacks, I decided I was not about to risk life and limb and go to work.  Yes, I know that I don't work for one of the financial institutions mentioned in the intel, but I didn't want to take any unnecessary chances.  But after hearing Tom Ridge say that extra security measures were being taken to ensure safety in the workplace, I decided to go on to work.  But I was late getting there because I spent 20 minutes looking for my sunglasses. I knew I left them on the kitchen counter, but they were nowhere to be found.  I gave up and went on to work, and tried to get my boss to believe that the reason I was late was because a gigantic Pac Man ate everything on our kitchen counter. 

The Morning After, Part II

 

I'm sure that Louisville will soon be synonomous with "sports town" now that we've hosted the Dickens Engery Cider Women's Pro Football Championship Presented by Progressive Medical Rehabilitation Group (DECWPFCPbPMRG for short).  No, I didn't make that up - that's the official name for the Super Bowl of the WNFL (Women's National Football League.)   You'd have to have a button the size of a hubcap to fit that abbreviation on it.  Last night's game was held here in preparation for Louisville's very own WNFL team next season, the Kentucky Karma. (Please don't snicker too much.)  I want to know what the hell kind of mascot the team is going to have?  Someone in a Ghandi outfit?  Speaking of a sports team mascot, that is one of the jobs on my list of dream jobs, second only to making pizzas.  I don't think I've told this to anyone before. How cool would it be to get to wear one of those costumes and get paid to act silly? I'm sure it wouldn't be cool if it was 90 degrees with 90% humidity and you're wearing a 50 pound suit made of fake fur and felt, but to me, it would be an awesome job.   At least you would know what you were wearing to work. 

For the uninitiated, this is real football - not powderpuff, not flag, but real football.  I had front row tickets on the 50-yard line (yes, I know you're jealous) but being the capitalist at heart, I sold them and went to cheer on my beloved Bats (they lost 4-3.  It was another heartbreaker.)  It was a fight to the finish between the Detroit Demolition and the Oklahoma City Lightning, but the Demolition managed to scrape by with a 52-0 win over the Lightning.  First the Tyson fight, and now the WNFL Super Bowl -- what's going to be next?  I hope nobody is turned off by my seemingly all-sports theme of the past two posts - it's just that the fight and the football game were newsworthy events.  We'll get to more drama next week, I'm sure.  

For all of you AMC (All My Children) fans, I'm very happy to post that our idolized Erica Kane is back in action after just a few weeks in rehab.  

News update: the white leopard is still on the loose.  I imagine after running around Bullit County for almost a week, he's getting pretttty hungry.  I'm still surprised some Shephardsville hunter hasn't already caught him and took him out to Carter's Taxidermy to have him stuffed and mounted.